Another "Before" Photo Emerges

I couldn't get out of being included in this photo. Not for lack of trying. Taken 2013, abut 6 months before starting the ketogenic diet, which changed everything.

As I've shared before, there are few extant photographs of me from about my late 20s to current days. This happens to coincide, unsurprisingly, with when I started to gain a great deal of weight and keep it on for, oh, about 29 years. Also as repeated often, when cameras come out, fat people disappear. We run into the next room, dive behind sofas, pretend to hear a car alarm going off. If all that fails, we make sure we're in the back row, behind others, as in the photo here. Photographic images and obesity don't get along. Hence, those around me were fair warned that I was never - ever - to be exposed to seeing photos of myself. There were times it was inevitable snaps would be taken and I'd be in them, but if they ever passed in front of my field of vision there would be a distinct, almost immediate and very negative result. Not for them, but for me. Just seeing myself could trigger a depressive episode. No joke. One instance, in particular, left me sitting in nearly the same position, head slightly hanging, stare fixed and unfocused, for three days. The level to which the human mind can pretend that the reality is not real and then be stunned into stupor when confronted with objective proof otherwise is stunning.

We can lie to ourselves, hold two contradictory thoughts in our minds at the same time - namely, 'I'm really fat but if I don't see a reflection of myself I'm not that fat' - and compartmentalize the issue. "I'll deal with this. On Monday. Yeh, that's the ticket. Monday, for sure!"

And we cry. A lot.

Mirrors in our houses get gradually higher and higher so as to only show us from the bridge of our noses up. (This is easier for 5'1" tall me. Must be a challenge for tall folks) We pull out the magic Fat Pillows when sitting because that works, right? That pillow really hides 100 pounds of body fat so well. 

And we cry.

So what happens when things change? How do we see ourselves when the weight comes off? Who are we if not the fat person who dreads going to social functions for fear of flimsy lawn chairs at the barbecue or, worse, all those phones with their super sharp cameras being whipped out by everyone. And what if someone decides to post photos on Facebook or Instagram? Awful! These are some of the things overweight people think about.

What does happen, really, when that changes? 

I can write only for myself, but it is a wondrous change. Not overnight, of course, It takes a while to get used to being in a smaller body. To not knocking over things - or fearing doing so - with a big stomach or giant tuchus whilst turning. But maybe the most dramatic thing I've experienced in regards to self-image, literal self images as in images of myself, is seeing them no longer triggers a tailspin. Now I just marvel at the person in the few photos taken of me that I've seen. It's not that I don't recognize myself in them. I just can't relate to that person. I feel badly for her. Fake smiles and sad eyes. Mortification that those around probably can't even imagine. But there she is. Photographic proof that a person can live in a body for decades, simultaneously be steeped in the knowledge of that and making every effort to prevent evidence from being memorialized in photos. 

The human psyche is fascinating. And weird. And vexing, to say the least.

If you're a before, a during, a "getting ready to be different" or an "I'll never be able to change", take some photos of yourself. Hide them away, password protect and encrypt them if need be. But know that you can change. You can emerge from that body that has taunted you.

Just know that this is doable. If I, the person who was close to needing medications to deal with seeing a single photo of myself can now plaster 'before' photos on this platform, on YouTube and other social media, you can get past this. I promise. It's so doable. 

And so worth it.

Of course, now's there the issue of being quite a bit older and having to reckon with photos that show wrinkles, white hair and a nose that seems to be getting larger But that's a topic for another day....

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Disclaimer: I’ve been fortunate to have had the time and resources to research the ketogenic diet, also known as LCHF (low carb/high fat). The information I share is based solely on my understanding of that research. We are all responsible for our own choices, including what we put in our mouths and there’s no substitute for each of us checking things out ourselves. And I’m not a medical professional in any way. Go Keto With Casey is not a medical site. “Duh,” you might say. But best to make it clear to all.  I welcome questions, comments and even civil criticism. I’m still learning. So, if you have something to add, go for it. Links in this post and all others may direct you to amazon.com, where I will receive a small amount of the purchase price of any items you buy through my affiliate links. Thanks!

Some Meals I Eat When Left Alone

This is a video from my YouTube channel showing some meals from a couple of weeks ago. You'll notice a decided theme in most of them. I'm a lazy cook and, frankly, have gotten to the point where I'm less interested in eating than in figuring out what to eat so that I don't have to think about food for the rest of the day. This is a remarkable change in my attitude towards meals - or meal, or heavy snack. It seems I may have achieved that Nirvana fat people dream of: looking at food as fuel and not as any of the multitude other roles we place on it.

For the most part, I just don't care about food very much anymore. This is a direct result of the ketogenic diet. I believe my mind and body have been 'rebooted' back to their original programming. And by that I mean original like "original", s in the way we've always been designed to function before our system got off track over the last bit of humankind. Like some jerk of a hacker in the universe's basement infected us with a virus and all hell broke loose. But instead of airlines being grounded or dirty pop-ups appearing on computer screens, the health of an entire generation the world over has taken a nose dive.

No, I no longer dream of food, think of food, yearn for food. It's now a tool. Like a toothbrush or a good night's sleep or fresh air. It's used to keep me healthy and productive. It isn't my reason for getting up in the morning. Nor do I cry myself to sleep at night anymore.

Sheesh, such heavy writing just to introduce a video about all the ways I eat eggs! 

Here are some of the meals I ate whilst my Lovely Mate was away. Boring? Maybe. Filling? Absolutely! For more information on the ketogenic diet, see below.

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Disclaimer: I’ve been fortunate to have had the time and resources to research the ketogenic diet, also known as LCHF (low carb/high fat). The information I share is based solely on my understanding of that research. We are all responsible for our own choices, including what we put in our mouths and there’s no substitute for each of us checking things out ourselves. And I’m not a medical professional in any way. Go Keto With Casey is not a medical site. “Duh,” you might say. But best to make it clear to all.  I welcome questions, comments and even civil criticism. I’m still learning. So, if you have something to add, go for it. Links in this post and all others may direct you to amazon.com, where I will receive a small amount of the purchase price of any items you buy through my affiliate links. Thanks!

Maybe It's Safe to Go Back Into a Retail Store Again

There are folks who so enjoy a bit of retail therapy. For whom going into and roaming the aisles of stores is relaxing, enjoyable, fulfilling. Then there are people like me for whom that experience is the opposite of all those things. I used to attribute it to simple sensory overload. Too many bright lights, sparkling displays and just-a-bit-too-helpful sales staff. Consequently, I've managed to make nearly all my purchases of everything from shoes to replacement bands for my Garmin 920 Sports Watch via online sites. And when I lost enough wait about 6 months in to following the ketogenic diet and truly needed to get new clothes to replace the then baggy, falling off ones I had been wearing for years, Stitch Fix was a godsend. They shipped a box of five items to my door. I've written about that previously and I continue with the service to this day.

But after a rare visit to a bricks and mortar store to look for a dress for an upcoming trip - I had an idea in my mind what I wanted and thought Soma might have it - my thoughts on my previous retail reticence has changed. Whilst flipping through a rack of long dresses (there's going to be a more formal evening on our trip and my current wardrobe, while vastly improved over most of what I've worn for 30 years, doesn't include a full length dress) a sales person came up to me and with a pretty serious look on her face advised, "You know you're looking in the wrong section. These will never fit you". 

My throat involuntarily clamped shut for a second. A flash back to shopping for clothes in my thirties and being told the same thing, a mortifying moment, frozen in my mind.

"These dresses will swallow you up. You're far too small. Let's look over here", she explained.

Wha? Me, too small for... anything? I had been too large for just about all things for decades. Too large for lawn furniture, too large for airline seats, crowded grocery store aisles, all the but largest sized jeans on the Costco tables. Too large to get on the teeter totter with my family when our children were young - and that means with the kids and my Lovely Mate on the other side. And certainly too large to be led to another section of a store altogether by a sales person. This was a very strange moment in time for me. But one I really, really liked.

I described what I had in mind and she went straight to a rack with lovely long, soft dresses. Flipping through them she pulled one out and said, "We don't have this in an extra small but let's see if the small will work." Ok, now I thought I was being punked. You think I should be in an extra small? And a boutique extra small, not a 'we've started adjusting the sizing in our store to accommodate the ever growing girth of the average American' extra small? 

She selected a couple of other items for me and off I went to the changing rooms. I slipped that size small beauty on and - God help me - it fit. And looked, if I may write so myself, fantastic. Too long, naturally, as I am of the runt variety of human. But a pair of 4" heel platform pumps should help with that.

And it's a small. A freaking size small! And I'm certain an extra small would have fit perfectly.  Keep in mind, when I started the ketogenic diet, I was wearing size 24W jeans - with Spandex in them. And I tortured every centimeter of those stretchy jeans to get across my ginormous arse and belly.

I won't lie. I got a bit high off that experience. I let the clerk take the dress to the counter and I proceeded to thumb through more racks of all sorts of clothes, looking for size small items, getting more and more exhilarated as I saw the cute clothes available. What a revelation. I then went to another store, on the hunt for a pashmina. Two retail experiences in a day? Me? Inconceivable!

It then occurred to me that perhaps it wasn't the bright lights, non-stop music, and reflective surfaces at every turn that caused me to not enjoy shopping. It was the dread of someone telling me I was in the wrong area of the store. Or the fact that segmented areas of stores exist: "plus sized" areas and then the rest of the store. Who needs that particular form of humiliation? 

All of this is by way of saying that it's never too late to be 'normal'. To not be the fat person walking into the wrong area of the store, foolishly thinking you belong. If I, Ms. 24W, can now buy an off the rack size small, anyone can. And I mean anyone. 

Never count yourself out.

Now, if you're one who is going to be a fashionista at whatever size and who rocks the styles with gusto and loves shopping, I applaud and envy you. I simply never was that person. My loss, for sure, and I'm not proud that I body shamed my own self. But I can't undo those years. I can only get the most out of the 50 or so I intend to have left.

And I expect to be sporting petite, extra small, kick-ass clothes.

Disclaimer: I’ve been fortunate to have had the time and resources to research the ketogenic diet, also known as LCHF (low carb/high fat). The information I share is based solely on my understanding of that research. We are all responsible for our own choices, including what we put in our mouths and there’s no substitute for each of us checking things out ourselves. And I’m not a medical professional in any way. Go Keto With Casey is not a medical site. “Duh,” you might say. But best to make it clear to all.  I welcome questions, comments and even civil criticism. I’m still learning. So, if you have something to add, go for it. Links in this post and all others may direct you to amazon.com, where I will receive a small amount of the purchase price of any items you buy through my affiliate links. Thanks!